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Indian values or right values?

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Learning the mother tongue…
The Sunday classes in the temple or Gurudwara…
Attending religious recitals even if you don’t understand what the priest is saying….

Growing up abroad is a challenge in itself, not that we realize it when we are kids. You not only have to worry about the the bigots and the racist idiots on the street, but your parents and elders are paranoid to the point of obsession; the obsession with raising the kids with ‘Indian values’.

Growing up in India – you are amongst your own kind; you are emerged in your own culture. As a a child in India, the social values are spoon-fed over the years; you are surrounded by your own skin color; you are the majority. No confusion, no duplicity.

Living abroad however, our culture at home is often different than the culture on the street. We are dealing with a multicultural society. Our social settings totally different and multidimensional. As a kid growing up, we adapt to the surroundings, to the society we grow up in.

Growing up in American or any other Western society, the Indian American families tend to hold on to the inherited culture and Indian social values much more closely. The parents cling to the carried-over traditions from India, holding on to the Indian roots very dearly. The Indian families make a VERY conscious effort to instill the Indian values into their kids. Continue reading →

Her first job in America

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Hira Patel almost jumped out of his large wooden chair as the phone rang.
“Hello” he reached over and answered in his pronounced Indian accent. The warm air from the small electric heater had made him sleepy; he did not realize he was dozing off.
“Hello Patel Ji, This is Rajiv;.. Rajiv Desai!”
“Oh, hi!” Hira said, trying to control a yawn.
“I was going to stop by this morning….if that’s okay with you.”
“Are you going to bring the girl with you?” He asked right away.
There was some silence at the other end, “ I was not planning on it!”
“Okay, come on over, we can talk!”
He got out of the chair, almost dragging himself out slowly. His dark brown shirt was tucked into khaki rumpled pants over his protruding belly. The receding hairline made him look much older than his age.
He looked out of the window into the deserted parking lot. Then, checked the coffee level in the coffee pot and walked back to the chair and yawned. Slowly leaning back, he slumped back into the chair.

“It is so chilly outside, and it is not even December yet!” Rajiv said as he pushed open the door and walked in.
“Yes, the winter is coming! How are you, Desai Sahib?”
“I am good, not bad. How is the business?”
“Slow, very slow! Nobody is spending like good old days!”
Hira pointed his hand to the empty wooden chair that Rajiv was already walking towards.
“Do you want some coffee? It is freshly made.”
“No, no!” Rajiv looked at the big coffee pot in the corner, with white plastic cups and a sugar jar sitting next to it.

“My wife said she saw you this week-end!” Rajiv asked, while rubbing his cold hands.
“Yes, I ran into her at the temple!”
“So, you already have met Henna then!”
“Yes, she was there with your wife, on Sunday!”
“yes, she is slowly adapting to this country.”
“Your wife said that she wanted pursue studies!”
“You mean Henna? Yes, she does; but who can afford the tuition in this economy!”
“A lovely young woman. There is something about Gujrati girls, natural beauty!” Hira said admiringly.
“No doubt! Natural beauty!” Rajiv agreed after a very brief pause.
Then, there was an awkward silence for a few seconds. Rajiv tried to drag his chair towards Hira, making a screeching sound in the process! The heavy chair moved only by a few inches.
“So what do you think? Did you give any thought to our discussion from last week?”
“Yes, I have!” Hira replied in a firm tone.
Rajiv waited for Hira to continue, but there was a long pause.
Hira spoke,finally, “Well, she can come over this week-end and I can train her! She needs to learn the American ways, you know! I think she has not left your house since she came from India, so this is going to be a big change!”
“I know, this is not easy for me either. My wife does not even know about it!” Continue reading →

Yes, Life is different here!

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Living Abroad – Different strokes for different folks!

Yes, life is different here, very different!!
People speak so many different languages here. Just walk down the street and you will get an earful of gibberish dialects for sure; many of those you have never heard of!

Here, people come from all over the places! They have different skin tones, different heights. They walk differently, they talk differently. Some have local accent; others are outsiders for sure. Some speak in a monotone while others are too dramatic in every expression. Some stand still and deliver their opinion in a quiet but firm voice, while others use their hands and gestures more than their tongue.

Some dress sparingly and reveal everything, very outdoorsy to say it modestly! Others are too covered, as if protecting themselves from a wintery chill, even in the summer months.

Yes, life is different here, very different!!
The food choices are quite interesting, or strange. Some like it plain and others, spicy. Some eat only vegetables while others hunt for meat. Some can afford it all, while others live from hand to mouth. Some like it exotic and show off their feasts while others struggle to feed even two times a day.

Some splurge in excess while others conserve all the time. Some fast, because they have over-indulged in food while others fail to understand the concept of diet control.

Yes, life is different here, very different!!
There are so many different religions; some are more popular than others. Not everybody believe in a God but they all have their opinions. Fighting over religion is very common. Everybody is so guarded against others’ religion. Continue reading →

Greed or Fear … or Love!

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Greed, fear…. or love – Wandering thoughts on our day-to-day behavior

It is very easy to understand this world; well, most of the time. Most of the time, people are selfish and shallow, restricted by the ‘acceptable behavior’ or social norms. Every person tries to be accepted first rather than worrying about accepting others. Everyone tries to blend in, rather than standing out. Very few have the courage to be different.

We are always so eager to point out differences and how to deal with them. We are preoccupied with ‘differences’ and how to treat them, how to react to them. In reality, if you look deep and far enough, no one is really that different unless you treat them differently; that is, unless you discriminate. Knowingly or unknowingly, we often discriminate in everyday life, and then we talk about equality and diversity – perhaps, just to make us feel better, for our own ego. By end of the day, we are all looking for ways to reduce these differences, forcing ourselves and those who are different to blend in! We can blame this all on our own fears or our own ego.

We are not as complicated as we claim to be. Most of our actions are controlled by one of the two motives – greed or fear; and quite often greed and fear. Most of our day-to-day existence is merely limited to our routine stuff, routines that revolve around our greed and fear.

The biggest shackle to our personal progress and freedom of thought is the fear of rejection or the greed of acceptance. That is a reality, freedom of thought is often suppressed by the social norms. Perhaps, that is why we talk about fantasies, dreams and the perfect world… Continue reading →

The mistress, the live-in relationship, the one-night-stand!

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The legality of  unconventional relationships in India

The Supreme Court of India recently ruled on the often unspoken topic of unmarried relationships. The court touches on some the legal aspects of non-conventional relations including one-night-stand, a man’s ‘keep’ and live-in-relationship. This sort of relations and living arrangements have always been considered a taboo in the Indian society -  home or abroad. Perhaps, not so much these days!

In India, a country where marriage is a part of the religious guidelines, society as a whole has always looked down on couples living outside the marital boundaries. Even the supreme body of Indian legal system did not forget to remind us of the good old morality:

“In feudal society, sexual relationship between man and woman outside marriage was totally taboo and regarded with disgust and horror as depicted in Leo Tolstoy’s novel ‘Anna Karenina’, Gustave Flaubert’s novel ‘Madame Bobary’ and the novels of the great Bengali writer Sarat Chandra Chattopadhyay….”

“However, Indian society is changing and this change has been reflected and recognized by Parliament by enacting the Protection of Woman from Domestic Violence Act, 2005,” the Indian Supreme Court bench said in the ruling. Continue reading →

Her social drinking troubles

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Her parents drove for two hours to reach Surrey, B.C. They had to be there on this Saturday afternoon, they did not have a choice. They were worried about their beloved daughter, Anita.

The previous week they had received a disturbing call from Rani, Anita’s mother-in-law.
“I am not sure how to tell you this, but I have to; the neighbors are starting to talk!” She told Anita’s mother, Meena.
“I don’t understand, what happened?” Meena asked; her voice barely audible.
“Can you come over this week-end? Then we can talk,” Rani said after a pause.
With shaking hands, Meena put down the phone and slumped in the sofa.

“What’s going on?” Meena called Anita within minutes, the suspense was killing her.
“Hi mom, how are you?” Anita was caught off guard.
Her mom was quiet on the other end of the line.
I don’t know what you talking about, mom,” Anita added.
“Rani just called me.”
“I don’t know what the big deal is about. Everything is okay mom!” Anita said.
“You tell me now, or I am coming there tonight!”
“You can drive for two hours and come over mom, we are ordering Pizza today!” She giggled, trying to lighten up the conversation.
“Don’t change the subject!” Her mom was serious.
“Nothing, mom. Nothing is going on!”
“Okay, give the phone to Jas, let me ask him!”
“He is not home mom!”
“So?”
“Okay, umm…..they are saying that I drink!”
There was a long silence. Anita could hear her mother mumbling some prayer on the other side of the phone.
“You okay, mom?”
“Do you…?”
“No mom, I don’t drink. Only, sometimes with friends; you know – socially.”
There was another long pause.
“Wait till your dad finds out. You will be sorry!”
“Mom, I am married now, with kids!”
“You still have to respect your family and the culture!”
“Don’t get me started with the double standards, mom!” Continue reading →

Some things never change….in India

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An NRI’s prospective on the not-so-changing aspect of Indian life

Bigger houses, better cars, western food, newer mobiles….there are so much new in India; there have been so many changes over the last 10-15 years. India, along with very few other countries, is economically growing at a pace that rest of the world can only talk about. The changes are everywhere.

And then, there are many more things that are about the same, same as the old days. If you look closer, the stuff that has not changed much is in fact much more profound and much more important than the economic progress made since early 90s.
The key aspects of Indian way of life that have not changed much include:

  1. The overall mentality is still the same. The way society interacts and overall thinking has not changed very much.
  2. The political power, the corruption and the mussel flexing to get the work done is same old. If you have money, you can bypass the due process and the waiting lines.
  3. The outdoor cleanliness is no where to be found. The trash and garbage is all over the streets, just like before.

    4. Continue reading →

10 simple ways to improve cross culture understanding in a new country

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The social adaption varies from person to person, some people adapt faster than others. Regardless, it is very natural to have strong opinion or strong biases against a new culture or a new place.

Once we move to a new culture, we subconsciously start to get used to the new norms as time goes. And, in many cases, we don’t even realize that we are adapting to the new culture; it happens automatically. It is a natural social change – adapting to the new culture over time.

However, the social adaption happens much faster if we make a conscious effort to interact with the local culture. To improve the cross cultural understanding and learning more about the local way of life, here are a few simple but effective things that we can do:

1. Adapt to the local language: Don’t isolate yourself from the local language and the local way of speaking – the slang, the style, …. the whole nine yards. The article ‘Self-help guide to lose your accent’ goes into the details on this subject.

2. Participate in the community functions: Be a part of the local community. The social interactions help with understanding the local culture and appreciating the differences.

3. Volunteer at a local school or library: Being a volunteer at local school or library is not only a noble thing to do, but it help you equally. You learn a lot about the local way of life, the local education system and it opens many doors to the local activities.

4. Don’t be over conscious of being different: We are all different, one way or another. The world would be a boring place if we were all very similar. So don’t be self-conscious about being a minority in a local culture. Continue reading →

Cross-culture understanding – It is a culture thing

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India Abroad: The multi-cultural living – it’s a culture thing

It’s human nature; we have opinions; we carry biases in our head all the times, even when we don’t want to. The way we are raised, the way we have seen the world growing up, affects the way we think. We always look at everything and everyone through the eyes of our own culture.
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One of the common biases in any culture is the self superiority complex – every culture considers itself superior or better than others. For someone from India who is new in America, for example, it is not an unreasonable belief that Indian culture (or subculture based on the part of India one belongs to) is far better than any of the local American cultures.

One of the key reasons for self superiority is that fact that we don’t know as much about other cultures. We try to judge and perceive everything and everybody from the viewpoints of our own culture.
Why?
Because that is the only reliable reference we have. We know our culture so intimately; we are so used to our own social standards. Everything outside our society has to measure up to our cultural norms – good or bad, true or false. That is why we are always comparing different aspects of a newly acquired foreign society to that of what we are so used to – our own India culture or sub-cultures. Continue reading →

Indian Beliefs or Perceptions of American and European Culture

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India Abroad: Indian misconceptions or perceptions of the overseas culture

The Indian misconceptions or perceptions of the the cultures abroad are closely related to our way of thinking. It is human nature, we always try to understand everything in terms of our own culture. Everything we see, everything we observe, we see it through the lenses of our own culture. When we look at the American or the European culture, most of the time, we are just comparing it with our Indian culture, our own beliefs. As mentioned in a previous article, our beliefs play a major role in how we see rest of the world.

Many of you may consider this as a redundant piece of information – nothing new. Yes, you are right. It is nothing new, but it is something – we still have these misunderstandings or notions that we should remind ourselves of; it is something that may help us with self awareness and as a result, may reduce our stereotype about foreign cultures.
So take this with a grain of salt. Some of these misconceptions may sound absurd, or may sound very true – depending on your personal outlook, depending on what you believe.

Here are some of the beliefs and notions that Indians have about the Western – American or European or Australian – culture.

Not Very Religious: It is very hard to compare one religion to another. For example, in some religions you are expected to pray multiple times a day while in some others a daily prayer might do. The fact is every religion dictates its own rituals, it own guidelines. The religion is a very predominant part of the western society. the younger generation may be a bit less religious and more spititual. If you pass by any Church in America on a Sunday morning, they are jam-packed; you won’t find a place to park.

Drug Use and Similar Vices:Where do we start, may be with some Bollywood movies depicting or comparing western culture with desi culture. :) ! We may be exaggerating a bit when we say that smoking and drug use is much more common in the Western countries. If you walk down the street of any major US city, you won’t find many smokers in public, just as an example. People are more health conscious now-a-days. The drug use is probably comparable to India. You are not going to find ganja smoking hippies (as shown in some Indian movies) on a corner of every American or European city streets. That was 70s, and the movie was ‘Purab or Paschim’! :) Continue reading →

Our Beliefs and the Outside World

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We’re never gonna win the world
We’re never gonna stop the war
We’re never gonna beat this
If belief is what we’re fighting for
~ From John Mayer’s ‘Belief’

It is human nature, we think in terms of what we are exposed to or what are familiar with in our surroundings. Our thinking and the way we behave is greatly influenced by how we grew up – how we were raised as a kid.

The childhood is when most of our beliefs are formed, when we watch others and try to figure out what is the accepted norm – what is right and what is wrong. As we watch the world around us day after day, our beliefs firm up over time. We start to make our own mind and our own opinion about everything around us.

“Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.” said Albert Einstein. By the time we enter our adulthood, we already have our own beliefs about the world around us.

Just think about it:

  • Our political and social views are always influenced by the community we live in and by our own social circle. Don’t confuse this with your Face Book or Twitter network – there is a real world out there;  just look outside the window. :)
  • We always follow the same religion as our parents; our religious beliefs are greatly influenced by our family and the religious preaching while growing up.

Continue reading →

20 Tips on personal safety and crime prevention abroad

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Commonsense tips on crime prevention and how to be safe in a foreign country

Safety doesn’t happen by accident. ~Author Unknown

Every country, neighborhood, every place has its flaws. One way or another, every city – big or small – is victim of crime. It is a part of the life; we are all exposed to some sort of danger all the time – at home or abroad.

In a foreign country, safety and security have always been keys concern of travelers and immigrants alike. Be it the streets of New York, south-side of Chicago, the suburbs of London,….. the safety is always in the forefronts of our thoughts.

An immigrant (or a minority) often considers herself/himself to be more exposed to the danger of personal safety for many reasons:

  • The local criminals may feel it easier or less risky to go after an outsider, or a minority group.
  • Many societies blame the immigrants for unemployment and job-loss issues, this social bias or grudge can contribute to the crimes against them.
  • Many fanatics may single out the minorities as a cause of their social agenda, and target them.

While you cannot eliminate the racism or discrimination overnight, – even though it is a good wish, next to the cure of aging – there are certain things we can all do to be safer and more secure in a foreign land:

1. Select the residence location wisely: Pick a neighborhood with low crime rate that is safer to live. Do your research while selecting a residence. For example, many local newspapers publish information such as ‘Best places to raise a family’. A local real estate agent can also guide you to the safer areas. Avoid areas with known crime issues.

2. Avoid bad company: It is simple as that, however, easier said than done. The company and the circle of friends you keep play a big role in day-to-day interactions with the society. Steer clear of the gang and crime infected social circles. Avoid areas with gang activities; stay away from unsavory characters.

3. Lock doors and windows: Once you have a residence selected in a good neighborhood, make it secure and burglar-proof. Install good quality dead-bolt locks on all the exterior doors. Also, Install quality locks on all the windows. Keeping your placed locked provides extra sense of security.

4. Cut over-grown shrubs and trees around the residence: Make sure to remove or trim shrubbery that hides doors and windows. That way, neighbors or passersby can see someone trying to break into your home. Limit the hiding spots for a burglar by keeping the bushes and trees tidy and well-trimmed.

5. Well-lit Place: Always have a light outside the front door and other areas of entrance. A well-lit area discourages the thieves and bad guys. Continue reading →

‘Color-blind’ kool kids of today!

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Fading racial bias and prejudice among the younger generations abroad!

Children make you want to start life over. ~Muhammad Ali

11:50 AM, 12/5/09
San Francisco suburbs, USA
Location: A kids’ party venue

“Rupa, you are here!,” a pretty little girl in red exclaimed the obvious; her curly blond hair bounce as she shakes her head with a chuckle.
“Happy Birthday, Courtney,” said Rupa, handing over the gift bag. The mothers exchanged a smile, and a hello; and then moved inside to make room for the next young guest arriving with another gift bag.

Kids run around in the play area. All kinds of play stations are spread around, twinkling bright lights filling the large play-room with colorful glow.

Every few minutes, a new kid arrives with a new gift. And, the ‘birthday girl’ – Courtney – runs to the welcome area to greet the newly arrived friend. Smiles, giggles, chuckles and innocent greeting fill the air:
“Hi, how did you get here?”
“I didn’t know you were coming!”
“Did you see the big pile of my gifts?”
“You are here too???”…….a joyful and lively chatter fills the big play room.

In the play area, a clear pattern starts to emerge. The kids are getting on with what they are good at – playing. Boys are crowding the ‘boyish games’ – target shooting, hoops, gun battle, Sponge Bob etc. They are running around – play station to play station, bragging and showing off, making sure that there is someone to witness their great performance.

The little girls have their own things going, mostly with the girly stuff. They are attracted to the ‘mechanical pony rides’, ‘matching games’, ‘the make-up show’ and pink swirly slides…… And, some more adventurous ones are taking up on the boys, playing hoops and shoots. There are no barriers, no rules, no bars. Everybody is a busy in their main goal – having fun. Continue reading →

Thanksgiving – More than Family, Food and a Prayer!

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Happy Thanksgiving

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Today, on 4th Thursday of every November, America is celebrating Thanksgiving Day. The schools are closed for better part of this week; most of the businesses close Thursday though Sunday. Everybody is in a festive mood.

The American Thanksgiving holiday traces its origins back to 1621 when newly arrived Pilgrims from England held a harvest feast after a successful crop growing season. For more on the history of the holiday, you can take a look at Wikipedia or search online…. :)

So, it is a harvest festival. Over the years, however, it has become a ‘Turkey Day’ – every feast for every family gathering is supposed to include baked or roasted turkey. Cooking a 20 pound turkey is an adventure in itself. There are live help-lines where you can call toll-free from your kitchen for help, if cooking is not going the way you expected; the nice ladies on the other end of the phone are always full of tips and tricks to help you out. This – ‘the turkey tip line’ – is one of the businesses they cannot outsource to India or China, at least not yet! :)

Thanksgiving is the time to thank, as can tell by the name itself – duh! It is time to thank God, family and friends. It is time to thank God for all the good things and good karma bestowed on you. It is time to thank friends and family for their support, for their love, and for standing with you throughout the year. So no doubt, there is lots of feasting, lost of family gatherings and yes, some praying involved.

Regardless where you live, where you come from, or which culture you belong to, the festivals have a similar theme all around the globe. The three main components of most of the festivals are family, eating and praying – may be in varying degrees.

However, perhaps the most fun thing about Thanksgiving is shopping!!

The day after the Thanksgiving, often called Black Friday, is the busiest shopping day of the year; the start of Christmas shopping season. Some of the best deals and bargains are offered on this day, the stores open at 5AM or sooner, and if you want to find a decent parking spot, you better get their long before…..A mob scene at its best! :) Continue reading →

‘Happily Single’ – Growing trend of marriage-free single lifestyle

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All young women begin by believing they can change and reform the men they marry. They can’t. ~George Bernard Shaw

Some things never change; human mentality for ever-lasting freedom is one of them! :)

Growing Trend of staying single and marriage-free
According to the United States Bureau of the Census, the fastest-growing household type since the 1980s has been ‘the single person’. There has been a similar increase in single person households in England as well. If we look around, this trend is probably true for most of the free societies around the world.
Surprised?
You should not be. The institution of marriage has been under attack for a long-long time. This attack is coming from the marriage itself – the attack from within!
Now, what are these attacks from inside – from the marriage and married life itself? There are too may, you name it:

  • Unhappy marriages – there are plenty of them to go around;
  • Incompatible marriages – Not made for each-other;
  • Marriages with different expectations – ‘I never thought we will end up like this’
  • Drifting away over time – ‘I didn’t know we could grow apart over time’,
  • The past – ‘I miss my freedom of good old single days’
  • The grind – ‘I am doing this for the sake of the kids….only for the kids’
  • Regret – ‘Sometimes I wish I could turn back the clock’
  • The dead End – All the way to something like ‘I hate your guts more than I hate you’
  • ….And many worse endings…

This should not surprise anyone, right? We all have seen this in our society, in our neighborhood. Day after day, there are examples of miserable or failed marriages playing out in our own back-yards. But somehow, we have all have found a way to justify and isolate ourselves from those troubled relations.
“That couldn’t be me. I can never be miserable like this”. Many have made this kind of promises to themselves. These self-declarations may not mean much down the road.

Marriage – The Compromise, the sacrifice
The Marriage brings reality of married life. And if reality is not what was expected, the justification begins. The justification may vary, but it is often there. Just ask around, give it a try!
You can ask your parents, your can ask your friends. Or if you have courage, ask yourself. If your listen, everybody says the same thing, one way or another: ‘Marriage is a compromise, it is a sacrifice’. Those who disagree are either delusional, or crazy, or single, or newly married. :) Continue reading →